Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
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ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.