The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
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I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good