My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
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When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Seas the day!!!!
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?