occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
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These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Any refunds available?…
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion