gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
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the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
*bites zombie*
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure