TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
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Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
🔦🌙👣
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.