[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
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That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.