A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
The second world war should have been called world war returns