Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks