I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
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Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
San Francisco has too many rules
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?