HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
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Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right