One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
You Might Also Like
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Childbirth is so beautiful
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME