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Now this is how you LinkedIn
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.