Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
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every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
The Weeknd is back
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥