My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
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at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The internet is magic sometimes.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.