Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
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I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
And bowling should be called pinball
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.