[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
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If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
…..pretty much.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.