me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
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Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.