police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
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[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Worth the read.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.