Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
You Might Also Like
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Terribly Tuesday.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.