A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
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I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?