Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
You Might Also Like
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
#FunnyLife Insects
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”