[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
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The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Always a housemaid, never a house.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing