[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
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Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.