me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
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manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
this FaceApp is creepy af
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD