Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
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Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising