Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
You Might Also Like
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
This is a whole mood;
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.