Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
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omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.