Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
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Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I feel seen.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I am, perchance
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.