The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
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Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I hope it’s French Onion!
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”