Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
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Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Good morning, Twitter x
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
asked my bf how work was today
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything