Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
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[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.