Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Never be a pizza!
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
This is the one
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda