me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
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Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.