“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
You Might Also Like
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.