me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
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Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Think I pulled my liver
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.