Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
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Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…