Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
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I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.