Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
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A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Any refunds available?…
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*