“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
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Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I hate everything
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.