*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
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Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you