Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
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Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
This might be me.
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