just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
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just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
pelicons
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.