If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
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Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Basically.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.