oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
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Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*