Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”