Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Me irl
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.