I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
What do you hear?
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.