A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
You Might Also Like
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
love pickles so much i put myself in one
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
White Castle for the Win
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.