I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
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Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
🙀🙀🙀😹
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach